ADULTING

fry

WTF IS THIS?!?!?

This year I became the lovely, transitional age of 24. May I share that life has been rough as fuck! (excuse me for not posting in sooooo long)

A couple years ago, I was convinced that I had myself and life figured out. It wasn’t that I felt I had all the answers; No not at all. I just figured I had my footing and I wouldn’t be stumbling a whole not. The saying, “In life when you reach a new level, you meet a new devil,” is the realest way to put what has happened to me. Becoming an adult has to be one of the most difficult things to do and I understand now that most never actually achieve this. I’ve experienced problems in almost every area of my life and it seems that they domino off of each other. I feel completely lost and that is far from where i was standing only a couple years ago. It’s like I turned around and could not recognize myself, others, or my life.

To make my transition smoother, the first thing that needs to be done is rebuilding self. How can one address life situations clear and prepared without being balanced internally? Honestly, it’s just NOT possible. I’ve shied away from meditating and reading (which is a form of meditation) and that has really gotten me off center.  I don’t spend enough time reflecting and getting closer to myself which in turn has disrupted my relationship with God. NOTHING should come in between that! Problem recognized to be fixed ASAP. Watching what I consume is very important as well. Staying  healthy mind, body, and soul is important for one to remain strong and assured. 

As far as life situations, controlling one’s surroundings, including people and places, plays a huge role. Though one does not always foresee on coming circumstance, you can limit the level of unwanted interaction if you stay away from people and places which auras do not agree with where and what you want in your life. It’s truly that simple. Change will be blatant and apparent once these actions are taken.

With that being said, I will reiterate ,

“In life when you reach a new level, you meet a new devil.”

Life is going to continue to through us curve balls, BUT if we know self and keep self up the transition will be way more easy. Yes we will become uncomfortable at times, but change is UNCOMFORTABLE. 

Keep putting out the vibes you wish to receive. Be mindful of your surroundings (PEOPLE AND PLACES!!!!) Pay attention to and choose your WORDS carefully because they have POWER. Love yourself the way you deserve to be loved; loving others will be more effective, and you will attract the love you long to find.

This a message to those who are having difficulties ADULTING like I am (as well as reminder to myself.) Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take everything a step and day at a time. Do not limit yourself. Do let anyone steal your light. Go forth, have joy, and be prosperous!!!! Peace is returning to my strong mind, beautiful body, and fragile soul. Namaste.

-Indigo Love

 

 

 

 

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ARE YOU ASHAMED?

You’re for image…
Its not cool to say you love me in public?
but i don’t need shame
You should be just as proud to say my name
as i am to say yours
but thats where we differ
i will not be your behind closed doors romance
its funny
i always say I’m glad i finally have someone who loves me for me
but do you?
or do you love me for who you think i could be
thats fucked up cause i met you and accepted you how you were
and i tolerated less than i deserve because i understood
i understood your pain
your plight
and i understood the fright of
falling for the okie done once again
i understood because you were my friend
and then we graduated to more levels
we’re year a in
and you still have me in hiding
but i had no clue
i’d flaunt you in heart beat
its funny
…. makes me think is it really real
cause all the types of ways you make me feel are true
and maybe it just isn’t that deep for you
OR maybe you just care a lot more about other people’s view
.. well thats bullshit i say
PURE BULLSHIT
is it that you front for females when I’m to around
like you’re not attached
is that why when I’m present
annoyed actions are intact
i see the looks and the side eyes
my guy my guy
help me to comprehend
you prefer to be perceived as single?
then single you should be
because i don’t need to be with someone
who is ashamed to say they love me

– indigo love

….

A Dream Deferred….

Lungs are tightening. I can feel the grip on my throat becoming stronger and strong as air struggles to release from my chest. Choking and praying for the Lord to save me, I cannot seem to break free of the grasp of this entity. My heart beats slower and slower. Am I losing my life?

God blesses me with a loving heart with gifts that overflow effortlessly. This heart I own is tired. I’m tired of not being appreciated, of being taken for granted, and of not getting what I deserve. Why I am settling for mediocrity. Why am I choosing to be overtaken by a sorrow filled situation that leaves me in constant dismay? I feel crazy because in knowing all these things and having been aware through the journey from there to here I cannot seem to walk away. The fact of the matter is, deep down inside I just don’t want to.

You can give a person all they never had. You can kiss their wounds and extract their pain. You can give them all they want, need and be the relief from all their woes and they will still never see that you’re the one they need to keep by their side. You are an asset to their team. So, it would be in their best interest to make sure they maintain such an asset.

People are all the same. They are selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate. All faults lie in outside parties and no one examines self. Someone else is the problem or the reason why things go awry.

Me, I’m different. I’m the common denominator in all these situations. I must be the problem. I’m not allowed to show or say how I feel. I’m only allowed to be as others want or need me to be. I must, like others, learn how not to feel or to feel a lot less so that I’m not the only one hurting because I’m the one with the hurt feelings all the time. I have to pretend like I’m a tough person who doesn’t let anything affect her. That’s what people respond to.

It feels most times that I will never meet anyone I can be vulnerable with that will love me for me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It’s hard to live in a world like the one we live in.

By myself I’m always fine. Then, someone comes along and perpetrates. Says they want to be all these things for you. They speak on all the things you’ll do together, the places you will go, and the things you will share. It’s all a game to net you of course because none of those things EVER hold true. It’s all ALWAYS just a swindle. And though I’m smart enough to see the apparent attempt at persuasion to get what they want, I’m silly enough to have a smidgen of hope that the pipe dream is real, especially when the front is real good and you’re showered with affection and attention you never knew. Then, when none of those things come to pass, you make a fuss and something is wrong with you because you’ve changed. In fact, that attention and affection fades because the other person stops all of it. They say things like “I never knew how to….” Even though they did all the things they said they can’t or don’t know how to do. But you’re the only one causing an issue. You’ve only changed thinking that things were progressing and changing themselves. Thing is when you cross the line from being friends going into a relationship THINGS CHANGE. Friends don’t get the privileges lovers do. Things I do with MY FRIENDS I don’t do with my BOYFRIEND duuuuh. Lastly, it’s not wanting something crazy for your boyfriend to do the things he’s SUPPOSED to do. It’s crazy how someone can call you their lady but treat you like you’re any other regular chick. This idea seems fairly logical but in the real world… shit just isn’t that simple. I’m starting to think that TRUE LOVE doesn’t exists. It’s seeming more and more like a made up fairytale.

I’ve come to a state of emptiness. The well is dry. There is nothing left to give. No one ever replenished the well. Peace? What is that?

-Indigo Love

romeo and juliet

Call Me Crazy Shit At Least You’re Calling

I think I’m becoming one of those crazy girlfriends.
It hasn’t hit me full on. Well, at least it hasn’t hit me full on yet.

I find myself over thinking about this man. To myself I ask “Why?” It feels like I’m falling for him, but it’s happening so slow. I can feel it happening. I’m so not into this type of shit. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that love is a BEAUTIFUL thing, but being IN LOVE is HELL. It’s very draining and a hell of an emotional roller coaster. Anyway, I know I’m becoming crazy because one second my mind is like “Oh, man that’s my bae I love him. He’s so cool. That’s my homie” and the next minute I be thinking ” That nigga get on my last nerve. Is he sleeping with someone? WTF does he be doing when I’m not around. Ooh I’ma cuss him out.” Finally, I think to myself once again “Why Monica?” I realized the other day that I was staring at this man continuously like a creep. I couldn’t help it though. He’s just so beautiful to me. I see him in a whole new light than I used to. No, he’s not the picture of perfection and that is for damn sure, but I love him just the same. When he’s not around I can’t seem to stop talking about him. It hard to contain whatever all this is that’s happening to me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m losing it lol. I feel totally insane and there is no turning back. My best friend told me welcome to the club, but don’t nobody wanna be in the crazy girlfriends club. TF?!? Peace roams throughout  my unstable mental space. Namaste.

-Indigo love

To Have and To Hold

My issues ran so deep I was unaware of them.

Resolution I had none, but I was convinced that I had made peace with problems I once struggled with. This belief caused such issues to lay dormant within me only to find later in life that they would resurface. Particularly in my interpersonal relationship with friends, family, and those of the romantic nature I had some things to resolve within myself.

My current relationship with the man who is becoming the love of my life put a lot of things into perspective for me. I’m becoming the woman that I’m going to be because of what I’ve learned from us. My life is changing rapidly because of the changes deriving from our turmoil. I’m used to walking away or being walked away from. If everyone walks away from the issues how do they get resolved? They don’t. Simple. Through all our bullshit he stayed. I had a chance to come to terms with my problems and was forced to face them dead on. Now I have overcome them. These are problems that I’ve faced in most of my interpersonal relationships. It has made me a better person to have hurdled these obstacles. 

I thank him and love him for staying and teaching me how to stay because my life has transformed in so many areas due to such a lesson. I’m blessed to have ever met such an individual and I pray that I continue to grow as well as contribute to his growth. That’s bae. lol. Peace reverberates throughout my mind, heart, body and spirit. Namaste. 

– Indigo Love

red velvet on pbbrown

No Worries…

I’m not going to worry myself
No, not over you
I’ve been cast aside and left blue
I’ve had my fair share of heart ache heart break
Pain is old news
So no I will not worry myself
not over a dude
I will not let my mind assume thoughts of disloyalty on your behalf
The truth I won’t know if your lies don’t come to pass
Interrogator I am not
So unless you forgot I will not worry over you baby
When the vision gets hazy and my hearts pounding crazy
and your effort is lazy I try not to let it phase me cause
i see us being great but as of late
im up with this pondering mind
thinking am I wasting my time
Cause a love like mine needs to be nurtured
This Queen should be treated as such
and you don’t do much
Many words get lost in the land of yesterday
Away went sweet kisses
they don’t stay the way they did
Here you are but hidden in your poker face
is there a trace of truly loving me?

why can’t I see?
Is loving you so blind that my clear sight has escaped
Negativity i try to erase
And embraced the idea of you being that one for me
with the same Faith that resonates from thinkin’
One we could be
The very same hope that makes me stay…
So heavy is my healing heart on occasion
Others it is light as a feather
My wings lift me high in flight  
A shining star.. the guiding light
Juliet’s plight is the silent fear of you not holding me tight
I don’t sleep at night… alone doesn’t feel right
But worry does no good….
It will drown my heart too soon
So i wash my worries in sunshine smiles  
and howl them at the moon
Worry I will not… 

(just some late thought I had to let out)

Making Love

I always thought that I’ve never made love. To me, making love was not the same thing as just being physically sexual with someone; it was more of an emotional connection, and one that was reciprocal not one sided. So in my experience, I had never made love. I didn’t realize that I had made love. Not in the physical sense though.

With my first love, what we did was make love. Together what we created was a love bond. That is “making love.” Making, creating, forming, forging … bringing love into fruition. 

In the physical sense, no, I still have yet to have such an experience, but I have a totally different understand of “making love.” 

I found my mirror. The yin to my yang I have encountered in this life. And I’ve just realized it within this passed week. I’m excited to see what we’re going to make. 
Peace dwells within my reflective soul. Namaste.

– Indigo Love